~Flying by
the seat of one’s own pants: An early aviation expression meaning ‘to
act based on instinct and perceptions rather than following a planned
course of action; to make things up as one goes.~
As I was waking up this morning finally feeling rested and together
enough to share the deets of the “infamous” results day, I thought to
myself, “Wow, that’s really personal stuff. I mean you’re actual test
results and meanings?” I quickly answered myself the way I do (welcome
to life inside my head) with the remembrance of how important it is; of
how I would LOVE to find such things about someone else to comfort
and/or learn more myself. I decided to just think of it as my sharing
the recipe to what makes the perfect Quiche Yvonne. 
Needless to say it was a scary day. To top it all off (here comes the
way the Universe throws little wrenches into the mix of our almost
organized tool boxes) my dad was just diagnosed with lung and liver
cancer. Yup. Days before I am possibly going to find out that cancer is
out of my life, I got another “phone call.” Let me quickly add that it
was no surprise as he has been a heavy smoker and drinker all of my
life. That’s fifty three years and not counting before my time. Of
course that doesn’t make it any easier. Along with the news, it’s going
to be very hard for me to watch him, at seventy-six, do all and anything
the doctors tell him to do; hard to watch him most probably go downhill
and not up. He and his wife are absolutely closed to anything I’ve
learned or am doing so all I can do is be supportive of their choices
and mean it from the bottom of my heart.
If that wasn’t enough to swallow, just days before my appointment I
heard again from my mom how my two sisters and brother as soon as they
heard, even though one sister and my brother have been estranged from
Dad off and on for many years, were at his side and literally his door
when they heard. It’s been just about five months since my “phone call”
and not one has contacted me. Not even a card. We, too, are estranged
again. (Their choice not mine) In my family we never learned how to
fight. Now I don’t mean down and dirty fighting. I mean healthy sharing
of hurt or angry feelings fighting. I, on the other hand, on my own and
with many years of counseling and searching learned how to share my
feelings. Let’s just say that’s why I was cut off again by my three
siblings-I dared to not only feel, but share. For me, living that way
means, “I love you and our relationship so much that I don’t want to
have resentments.” For them it means, (I guess, as I really can’t
understand abandoning those you love for any reason) “Fuck you. How dare
you feel anything but happiness toward me! I’ll show you what it means
to hurt.”
Mom was supposed to go to the appointment with us. When I invited her
it felt so good to finally be at a place where I was able to allow her
to “be there for” me as she has been wanting. Appointments are always
scary and each time she offered to take me to one I declined. I needed
my hunk of a man by my side. The thought of her joining us now as a
guest instead of my “rock” of the day felt really good, but when I found
that two hours after she shared all of Dad’s happenings with his kids I
couldn’t shake the sadness I left her a message with a white lie while
she was in the dentist’s chair. I told her that my appointment was
changed to one hour earlier so that there was no way she could make it. I
planned on telling her the truth later. I knew if I had told the truth
in my message I then would have taken a huge dose of guilt to my
appointment knowing I had most probably hurt her feelings.
During our earlier conversation I told her that I was sincerely happy
for Dad but added that I’m only human. No matter how enlightened,
loving or forgiving I’ve become over the years I still have a human
heart that hurts when things and people behave in ways I don’t
understand. My leaving a message with the white lie was done on the spur
of the moment. I didn’t want to think about it too much or I might
change my mind. I know myself well. If I changed my mind it would have
been to spare her feelings. I would have been ignoring my inability to
shake the sadness. I felt that while Dad, his cancer and his new and
very different future with his other kids are not a part of my life and
reality, they are and will very much be a part of Mom’s. Knowing all
that I know about energies and how they affect me, I was afraid that she
would energetically bring my entire family with us. I had enough on my
plate. There was no room in our truck for four more people; no room for
people who want nothing to do with me on a day that I needed to be
surrounded by those who love me.
Before finally going on with why I sat down to write today
(Sheesh…can I EVER “make a long story short?”) I have to share what I
heard the way that I do days earlier when I said to Joe, “Isn’t it
ironic? I was all excited that cancer was most probably out of my life
and now this.” Right away my Guidance, a bit firmly I might add said,
“Cancer IS out of YOUR life! You do NOT now have to carry the cancer of
your Father!” Through the firmness, I felt not only the love for me come
through but also for my dad and siblings. It is their journey not mine.
Sometimes we must love people by allowing them all that is in store for
them; by not putting on our red capes and swooping in regardless of how
it affects our own well-being.
I love my two sisters and brother as much as I’ve always loved them.
The first time I heard they were instantly at Dad’s side and after the
tears shed envisioning the love they have for him right now that was not
there for me, once again my Guidance took over. This time it was not
with words. It was with a Knowing implanted right into my heart. The
truth is my siblings are like strangers to me. I really wouldn’t know
what to do if they suddenly were at my door like they were at Dad’s
after all these years. Dad needs them and all of that rallying right
now. I don’t. Would I have loved to have it? Of course. While I knew
from the start I wasn’t hoping for relationships I will be honest. I did
at the very least hope for cards saying, “I heard, I love you, and I am
here if you need me.” But needing and wanting are two very different
"animals." Dad is already thriving emotionally and “going to beat this
thing” when just weeks ago he couldn’t care less if he lived or died.
Cancer did not enter my life so that I could learn or experience what
it is like to be loved by others. It very Divinely and Perfectly
arrived so that I could learn and experience what it’s like to love
mySelf.
To be continued…
Did this Resonate with You? Please Comment Below: